Thursday, January 24th, 2002
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12:32 am - AHEM!
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from this point on this journal has been abandoned.
i've deleted as much as the dumb entries as i had
the patience to go back through, however the
picture entries were left up. anyone is welcomed to
email me [caryn@rolereversal.com] to ask me where
i've gone to, but it doesn't mean i'll tell.
thank you, and farewell.
current music: David Usher - Black Black Heart v2.0
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, January 8th, 2002
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2:38 am - sometimes i'm just grasping for *something*
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2:35 am - alien baby
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and i saved this one for last, cause it is the most non hand looking
hand shot.
looks like weird alien legs about to run off or something.
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(comment on this)
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2:34 am - but in the flesh........
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2:32 am - black and white
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2:22 am - it's just skin
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my hands have always been a sorce of embarrassment for me.
ever since i was young the skin on my hands have been covered
in not so noticable, and OH so noticable lines. throughout my
entire life i've heard "oh my god, whats up with your hands" or
laughter at the fact that they easily resemble the hands of an
old woman. i grew accustomed to hiding them. in pockets or
long sleeves. as i've gotten older it's become worse as my own
age starts to settle in, but at the same time it's become not a big
deal at all. they're not always the most prettiest or feminine, but
they're mine and it's such a little thing to continue to waste time
on. taking pictures of them though, has kind of been avoided.
even in the ones i'm going to post i think they look awful. in
some shots, alien and not like hands at all. but it's ok, it made
for some shots i like, so it's no problem at all.
if it were i wouldn't post them.
just thought i'd give some background.
( more inside >>>>> )
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, January 7th, 2002
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3:41 pm - ( 5 ) in a scratched silver bowl........
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3:36 pm - ( 4 ) in a scratched silver bowl........
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3:33 pm - ( 3 ) in a scratched silver bowl........
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3:29 pm - ( 2 ) in a scratched silver bowl........
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3:21 pm - ( 1 ) in a scratched silver bowl........
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the pictures i took last night, they're tricky.
you really got to look in some of them in order to recognize
that there is a human face in there at all. somtimes, all you
can pick out is a distorted eyeball floating off in one corner.
very weird, but i think they're nifty.
these are my 3 favorites>
( 2 more inside........ )
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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2:06 am
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got bored tonight. started looking around from something to
do, and i spotted a bowl and got an idea. been snapping
away for a while, but i took this and just had to put it up:
reflection in the bottom of a scratched up old bowl. yummy!
more to come later.
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, January 4th, 2002
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9:01 pm - makes me think of rich mummies
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8:42 pm - gold mesh
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9:08 am
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hmmmmm. so.
goodmorning.
continuing....
i'm a lyric whore.
i can't write, so i just bask in other people's words.
i love water, but it terrifies me.
i think i will die young.
hopefully not in water.
[i have nightmares about this.]
i also have nightmares about cities made of building blocks
that collapse on me while i run through them.
i also have nightmares about parts of my body spontaneously
growing and growing in a most unstopable way.
i understand perfectly what these dreams mean.
i used to have dreams where i'd be on a ferris wheel watching
while my family was stuck down below, being hunted and eventually
eaten by alligators.
i'm still working on parts of this one.
i'd make a good psychiatrist. i'm pretty good at picking up underlying
things. however i'd have a major problem having to listen to other
people droan on about their problems.
i'm not good with other people and their problems.
my intial reaction is to tell them to shut up, or to smack them.
so i guess, in that sense, i wouldn't be a good psychiatrist at all.
i like horror movies.
like scream.
but not scream 2 or scream 3.
well, maybe scream 3, if the killer wasn't who the killer was.
[but i always said, i always knew, in the first, there had to be 3.
be glad i didn't have a live journal then. i was insane. but oh
wait, livejournal didn't exist then.]
i've had an online journal for a while. years.
back when i didn't have a camera i turned my scanner on its
side and took "pictures" that way.
people actually like them.
i like kitties, but i want a dog.
my cats name is remix.
i like bubbles.
and chuckee cheese.
air hockey.
skeeball.
vampires.
BUFFY!
i miss buffy.
damn repeats.
i'm not sure why i am awake.
i could sleep for 24 hours if i let myself.
of that i'm sure.
i hate light while i'm trying to sleep.
the lights from the vcr in our room drive me insane.
i can't sleep if the bathroom door is open because
there is a nightlight in there.
i love my green ethan allen bed.
i used to say i never wanted children, that i'd just take
care of a bunch of monkeys.
my family still pokes fun at me about it.
i hate phones.
brianna and i have an arrangement, where she always does all
the phone stuff [mainly ordering pizza and stuff] and i will always
do the cat litter.
i hate phones that much.
that and i have a problem smelling, so it works out ok.
i need food.
this is me going to eat.
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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8:50 am - just a simple question.
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Poll #15025
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 33would everyone be able to handle a pop up window [i know! a dreaded pop up window!] the size of 583x555?
answer or die!
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(17 comments | comment on this)
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1:21 am
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thinking.........
[i was watching something the other night, on mtv,
when hate goes pop i think it was called. anyways,
stuff like that, that brings up all the horrible nasty
little unfair things that people can deal with because
they are black or female or gay, always make me
want to be super duper blunt about me. you know?
in a proud sort of way. like i had stupid picture ideas,
my face, the qord lesbian, queer, fag, something. i'm
not ashamed and i don't ever want to seem like i am.
*shrug*
but it's always deeper than that so i don't. there is more
to it than a word, so i back off. i don't want to run
around belting out that i'm a lesbian and blah blah blah.
i have a girlfriend. i love my girlfriend. i never want to
leave my girlfriend, but if i see gavin rossdale i'm pawing
after him. it's a catch see, and it means i am no longer
allowed to call myself gay. i am not a lesbian. because
boys are pretty.
damn words.
cause i won't use bi. that can be an ugly word. it means
i'm not serious and i'm just horny and not picky.
life sucks.
so i want to make lists. i am good at lists. i've been known
to make lists of the lists i want to make.
so here's a list. just stuff. stuff that makes me me.
i'm caryn.
i'm 21
a leo
i am in love with a girl
i want to paint a wall red in my house but i'm not sure which one.
i bite my nails.
i bite the insides of my cheeks.
i bite.
i don't think i'm artsy but i do think i'm artsy and i like being and not
being artsy but i won't call myself artsy [usually] cause it can also be
an ugly word.
i live in florida
i was born in florida
i was brought to new york and taken away from new york.
and i think i left my heart there.
i've only ever had 2 jobs.
i don't know how to drive.
my lips are dry and cracked.
i get happy over little things.
i like that its raining and cold and i wouldn't think twice about
running outside and playing in it if it weren't for the fact that my
girlfriend would yell at me.
i'm sick you see.
people call this weather miserable, i call it perfect.
there are some movies i like only because of how pretty they are.
i watch them on mute.
my bottom teeth are a little screwy, but my top teeth are perfect.
i've never needed braces.
i am not skinny. i weigh more now than i ever have before, and
you don't see it because i don't let you see it.
maybe i'd be better with it if i didn't used to be thin. and pretty.
ok, more than pretty. i will admit, i was more than pretty.
i cannot say now that i am pretty, because i, like alot of people,
will equate pretty with thin. but only for me. i can name many
many people who weigh more than me that i find downright,
jaw dropping, beautiful.
i am a hypocrite. but aren't we all?
i am not religious.
i have never believed in religion.
but i believe in something.
aliens exist and you're dumb if you think they don't. or can't.
i am a geek.
i am fascinated by gene studies and the human body and airplanes.
i will read books that most people put down after reading the jacket
because they know it will put them to sleep.
and i'll love these books.
when i sit outside and face the reality of how small and insignificant
i am, i feel ok. i like it. it clears my head and makes me smile.
i adore clothes.
i adore shoes.
shopping makes me feel good.
but i know sports. i like getting dirty. i like sweating and feeling the
heavy beat of my heart.
electronics can me turn me on.
cameras can turn me on.
i feel incredibly stupid.
i didn't finish highschool, i never had an official education, and it
makes me feel like an imbecile.
and i'm starting to get tired, so this is the end of my list.
for now.
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
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2:40 pm - further proof i can get super excited over nearly anything.
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Monday, December 31st, 2001
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7:19 pm - please let it be better
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Thursday, December 27th, 2001
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11:07 pm - "every breath a deep liquid growl"
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it sucks that getting my library fine all fixed up is so low
on our list of priorities. i miss books.
throat still hurts.
my brother and sister have a problem keeping the level
of their voices in check. we are such a loud family!
and its so dangerous having kids around. it gives you a
chance to devour a wide range of naughty snack foods.
one of my magnetic poetry poems:
"blinding morning fire through windows heal you,
open you,
but cut down every liquid angel from eternity.
wake yourself and melt this blaze from the day with ghostly voices"
and then there was
"broken boys melt into perfumed mornings"
brianna's are much better. hands down.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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